Today I’m happy about: being fortunate enough to celebrate Christmas Eve with my family! After a full-on feast for my brother’s bday yesterday, we’re taking a more relaxed approach to dinner tonight and getting a lot of our wrapping done this afternoon.
Now amidst all that I am grateful for, I’ going to get a little deep here. As I have been pretty honest about previously, I have struggled with disordered eating for many years and over the past 3 months I have made huge strides in recovering and getting in touch with my body by eating intuitively, as well as trying to exercise intuitively. Today I had a fantastic crossfit-inspired workout at the gym and felt so proud of myself and strong while there and even upon coming home. However, when I got back I did an “ab check” to see how my stomach was looking. Now, my body is not one that gets visible abs unless I’m severely underweight and at a body day percentage that would be incredibly detrimental to my overall health.
Over the past couple months that I’ve been trying to eat intuitively, I have gained some weight. Probably between 5-8 pounds and I know it was healthy weight to gain. However, now when I look in the mirror, I see the much larger girl I once was (I lost 35 pounds in my first year or college), and I feel horrible about myself. Despite the incredible strength I am building in the gym and my improved singing as I’ve begun to fuel my body more appropriately, I still feel that I am not enough. My body is not thin enough, or muscular enough, and I hate that I feel that way.
This is such a disordered way of thinking, and I am grateful that I can at least recognize it. Although I have been struggling with these feelings more recently, since I’ve been home and I am not able to control every little thing, I am also beginning to see the light in a different direction. If my body decides that weighing a few more pounds is where it feels best, then it will settle on a weight itself, without my overly obsessive control over it. By listening to my body and treating it with respect, it will naturally gravitate towards a happy and healthy weight that I can maintain with my lifestyle.
I’ve also been able to look at this obsession with weight through a different viewpoint, since my happiness has been so exponentially higher in the past few months. The truth is, weighing less will not truly make me happier. Fitting into a smaller pair of pants will not make me a nicer or more thoughtful person, and my friends won’t like me any more or less. I have spent too much time trying to achieve an aesthetic that is not maintainable, nor healthy, and I have sacrificed wonderful moments I could have enjoyed with family and friends, but chose to opt out of for fear of losing control and gaining 20 pounds in one evening (because that’s not ridiculous thinking right!?).
I choose to celebrate my life everyday and bask in the power my body has to perform difficult workouts, to hug my friends, to laugh hysterically with my brother, to sing at the top of my lungs, to run half marathons, to travel to foreign places, to practice yoga, to share my love and appreciation for life. I don’t want to be controlled by a disorder that has no place in my current life. It took over for many years, but I refuse to lose any more precious minutes giving in to the negativity.
I may not be where I want with my love of my body quite yet, but I know I am on the right path, and I am excited for the future and the continued freedom from the negativity, that I deserve.
I hope you all have a beautiful holiday, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, this is a time to be with the ones you love and to share traditions and be joyful.
Thank you so much to all you who stop by and take a few minutes to read this little blog. I am so happy to be able to share my story with you. Warmest wishes to you and yours!!
Happiness Starts Here