Tag Archives: love

Believe and you will be

Hey all!

I hope your week is off to a great start! I got a ton of things done today, including checking off a presentation from my to-do list, some lunch with a nice guy :), a super zen psych appointment and my first Skype French lesson!

I’ve been psyching myself out a lot lately, or maybe I’ve just realized it and it’s been going on for a while. I have always taken my own self-confidence for granted because as a performer, I love being on stage and putting on a show, but that’s not really what everyday life is like. Every day is not a show and it would be SO exhausting if it was!

So this self-confidence I thought I had in the bag… Turns out, not so much. I’m not saying I can’t function, but when things go wrong or I start to worry about how the future will turn out, my first move is to doubt myself. Instead of looking at a task head-on and just accepting that most likely mistakes will be made and not everything will be rainbows and butterflies, I immediately turn inward against myself with thoughts that I should quit while I still can, or that I won’t succeed, or that someone will be better than me. And that’s just to name a few possibilities.

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As I’m writing this all down, I’m thinking “What the heck?!” Why am I working so hard against myself sometimes, instead of doing what will make me ultimately feel more successful regardless of the outcome, which is to just believe in myself?? I feel like I’m fighting the stupidest battle because I’m actually creating more obstacles for myself!

No more. Now that I see what I’ve been doing, I’m not letting that get in my way anymore. Not in an obnoxious, self-centered way, but I have so much to offer as a performer, friend, daughter, person, so why would I hold myself back. The answer is I won’t.

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Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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Cold hands, warm heart

Happy hump day y’all!!

I’m full of a lot of love today and I’m no exactly sure why. But I’m totally going with it. 🙂

I had an enlightening yoga practice this morning and really worked through some tough poses and thoughts while on the mat. I then met with one of my friends, and a potential client, to talk about the new fitness and nutrition plan that I’m building for him. We talked about a lot of details and I got answers to some lifestyle background questions and I’m excited about putting together this program for him. And he’ll be my first paying client!

I’m heading home to do a bit of cleaning since one of my California pals is spending the night Thursday because he has a grad school audition in Friday! Even though he’ll only be here for a day, I’m sure we’ll manage to go somewhere fun for dinner tomorrow night. There are so so so many wonderful dining options in Boston, I think the hardest part will be choosing just one!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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As 2013 comes to a close…

Today I’m happy about: saying goodbye to an incredible 2013 and hello to what I know will be a wonderful 2014!

This year was filled with a lot of change for me… I graduated from college (UCLA Bruin forever!), turned 22, and worked several summer jobs.

I decided to move across the country to Boston to get my Master’s Degree in Music, and followed my passion for performing rather than staying home and taking the easy way out.

I let a sub-par relationship fade out of my life and fell in love with someone new but decided to end that relationship because I wanted to do some growing of my own.

One of the things I’m most proud of myself for facing this year was my disordered eating and exercise, and my dwindling self-confidence because of depression and anxiety. In September I decided to face those things head-on, by seeing a psychiatrist as well as a therapist, who I have continued to see weekly. But the most important part of this decision was that I decided I WANTED to leave all those things behind. My issues with good had consumed me for so many years and had ruined many experiences, relationships and opportunities for me, and I was tired of being a backseat driver in my own life.

I can confidently say I haven’t felt this good and truly myself in at least 4 years and I am so thankful for the support I’ve had to get me to where I am today. I know it was far from being easy, and there is still a long way to go, but after seeing how much I really feel I have flourished and been reborn over the past few months, I know that 2014 will be a year of continued growth and journey towards self-love.

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I hope you all have a beautiful and safe New Year’s Eve celebration, regardless of what you’ll be doing! We’re having friends over for cocktails, then heading to a fancy 5-course dinner at a French restaurant- and I am going to thoroughly enjoy the moments I can share with my favorite people, savor every single morsel of delicious food- and wine!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND SEE YOU IN 2014!!!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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Chili time!

Today I’m happy about: being able to cook my brother and family a delicious dinner of homemade chili and cornbread! Making chili is one of my favorite things because it’s so flexible, and my brother had yet to try mine so I am really excited that he liked it so much. He’s even bringing some of the leftovers to two of our good friends he’s seeing later. 🙂

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I’m also happy about sharing the little moments with my mom over this winter break, like folding our laundry together. It’s something I remember doing all the time with her when I was younger and doing it now really brought me back.

I hope you’re having a great Friday night and enjoying a well-deserved break from work or school or whatever your usual obligations are. 🙂

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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In the spirit of sharing

Today I’m happy about: being fortunate enough to celebrate Christmas Eve with my family! After a full-on feast for my brother’s bday yesterday, we’re taking a more relaxed approach to dinner tonight and getting a lot of our wrapping done this afternoon.

Now amidst all that I am grateful for, I’ going to get a little deep here. As I have been pretty honest about previously, I have struggled with disordered eating for many years and over the past 3 months I have made huge strides in recovering and getting in touch with my body by eating intuitively, as well as trying to exercise intuitively. Today I had a fantastic crossfit-inspired workout at the gym and felt so proud of myself and strong while there and even upon coming home. However, when I got back I did an “ab check” to see how my stomach was looking. Now, my body is not one that gets visible abs unless I’m severely underweight and at a body day percentage that would be incredibly detrimental to my overall health.

Over the past couple months that I’ve been trying to eat intuitively, I have gained some weight. Probably between 5-8 pounds and I know it was healthy weight to gain. However, now when I look in the mirror, I see the much larger girl I once was (I lost 35 pounds in my first year or college), and I feel horrible about myself. Despite the incredible strength I am building in the gym and my improved singing as I’ve begun to fuel my body more appropriately, I still feel that I am not enough. My body is not thin enough, or muscular enough, and I hate that I feel that way.

This is such a disordered way of thinking, and I am grateful that I can at least recognize it. Although I have been struggling with these feelings more recently, since I’ve been home and I am not able to control every little thing, I am also beginning to see the light in a different direction. If my body decides that weighing a few more pounds is where it feels best, then it will settle on a weight itself, without my overly obsessive control over it. By listening to my body and treating it with respect, it will naturally gravitate towards a happy and healthy weight that I can maintain with my lifestyle.

I’ve also been able to look at this obsession with weight through a different viewpoint, since my happiness has been so exponentially higher in the past few months. The truth is, weighing less will not truly make me happier. Fitting into a smaller pair of pants will not make me a nicer or more thoughtful person, and my friends won’t like me any more or less. I have spent too much time trying to achieve an aesthetic that is not maintainable, nor healthy, and I have sacrificed wonderful moments I could have enjoyed with family and friends, but chose to opt out of for fear of losing control and gaining 20 pounds in one evening (because that’s not ridiculous thinking right!?).

I choose to celebrate my life everyday and bask in the power my body has to perform difficult workouts, to hug my friends, to laugh hysterically with my brother, to sing at the top of my lungs, to run half marathons, to travel to foreign places, to practice yoga, to share my love and appreciation for life. I don’t want to be controlled by a disorder that has no place in my current life. It took over for many years, but I refuse to lose any more precious minutes giving in to the negativity.

I may not be where I want with my love of my body quite yet, but I know I am on the right path, and I am excited for the future and the continued freedom from the negativity, that I deserve.

I hope you all have a beautiful holiday, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, this is a time to be with the ones you love and to share traditions and be joyful.

Thank you so much to all you who stop by and take a few minutes to read this little blog. I am so happy to be able to share my story with you. Warmest wishes to you and yours!!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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Simply the best

Today I’m happy about: realizing in growing up, but not losing my free spirit.
I had an incredible 2 hour chat with my mom via Skype and although I know we are extremely close, today we were really like two adults talking about everything under the sun, and I am so grateful to be able to do that with her. She is an amazing lady and I love her more than words can express.

Happy Wednesday! I hope you’ve had a chance to talk to someone you love today.

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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Joyeux anniversaire maman!

Today I’m happy about: skyping with my mom for over an hour and a half and catching up on life with her. It also happens to be her birthday, and although I wish I could celebrate with her tonight I am there in spirit and will be sending a special gift her way soon.
She is my best friend and the sweetest and most incredible woman I’ve ever known. I am so so so grateful to have her. I love you mom!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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First weekend in BOS-town

Today I’m happy about: an errand-filled and productive weekend. To top it off I enjoyed a wonderful dinner with some sweet girls at a tapas restaurant complete with sangria. Yum! I’ve been lucky enough to have FaceTime to communicate with the BF and will hopefully have Internet by Tuesday afternoon!
Moving can be such an ordeal, huh?

Happy Sunday, lovelies!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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Audition and chocolate love

Today I’m happy about: having an awesome audition this afternoon! After a lot is stressing and worrying and practicing, I am really pleased with how I did. I am excited to find out the results but regardless I am proud of what I presented.
As if I needed any other reasons to be happy or to love my boyfriend, he had a beautiful box of dark chocolates delivered to my door in honor of my first audition! I feel so lucky.

Hope your Wednesday was lovely!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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The BRATS Diet

Today I’m happy about: being able to hold down some food! I just experienced a seriously brutal 48 hours of food poisoning and am finally coming off of it, but still feeling very weak and tired. I am so lucky to have had my mom here to take care of me, as well as the bf checking in every hour. I am hoping to be well enough to go into work tomorrow as I had to call in sick today but I think I’m finally on the upward swing.

Hope your weekend is off to a much more pleasant start than mine was!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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