Tag Archives: growth

When you just need some writing therapy

I kind of can’t believe I wrote the previous post back in January, I feel like I had jumped ship a while ago and I’m just happily surprised this little space still exists.

I hate to be redundant, but again a lot of things have changed since I last posted. I’m still at the same job with the same hours, and I am still a humble student of yoga, trying to stay sane through lifestyle shifts. Some things feel really good right now- I just snagged a church job that I’ll be starting in the fall with a wonderfully sweet community, and I have finally nailed down my living situation for the next year as well.

Singing has definitely been on the back burner, but continues to simmer away with thought of returning to school for a performance diploma prominent in my mind. That and auditions for Young Artist Programs, as well as taking a couple weeks at the end of the year for an artistic retreat-style program. There are so many possibilities ahead of me that I’m almost paralyzed by the thought of all of them…

I landed at a pretty significant realization this morning, that was centered around my current relationship, but really applies in all aspects of my life.

Nothing is certain and anything could change at any time. But instead of seeing this as a limiting belief that could really paralyze me, it’s like a glorious awakening to possibility. Nothing is guaranteed and therefore everything is sacred and should be enjoyed and experienced in the moment. Energy shouldn’t be wasted on the what-if’s or shouldn’ts or couldn’ts, and that is a beautiful realization. This is not new information, but the way I am processing it is akin to flipping a 180 on the road. It’s always been there, I just wasn’t looking in the right direction. I’m not trying to get crazy existentialist over here, but this newfound understanding is helping me release some of the doubts that have crept into my head.

Of course I could spend hours worrying about what will happen tomorrow or 3 weeks or 10 years from now, but that doesn’t actually do anything. It doesn’t prepare me for the way I’ll react if I have a wonderful pregnancy one day, or on the flipside if I have a miscarriage (Only examples, of course). But what is DOES do is rob today of the wonderful experience that is RIGHT NOW. And the excitement that could come from a phone call with a friend, or a surprise visit from a loved one. Or even something as simple as getting on my yoga mat and leading myself through a personal practice because I know that is what my body is craving.

 

I want to live unabashedly here and now, even though my anxieties try to wrench me into the future or drag me back into the past. But it’s ultimately MY decision. And I choose to be here.

 

I’m not sure when I’ll be back on this site, but I hope I won’t neglect it for quite so long again.

Thanks for reading and I’d love to hear from you.

Love,

Happiness Starts Here

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Time is flying!

I can hardly believe it’s already Wednesday. This week is just flying by and before I know it I’ll be on my way back to freezing Boston…

Not before I enjoy some awesome mother-daughter time though! We hopped over to downtown Palo Alto for lunch at Oren’s Hummus, home of the creamiest and most incredible hummus in the world. Seriously, it is so good I have dreams about it when I’m back east… We followed that by enjoying the sweet sunshine walking around downtown Los Gatos and then getting our nails done. I think both of us nearly fell asleep by the end when our nails were drying, I guess we need to catch up on some Z’s.

I had somewhat of an emotional afternoon, since I’m still overhauling my whole relationship with eating and my body, but thankfully I had my best friend by my side to help me get through it. The past 6 months have been such a tremendous growing period for me, but when something gets me down, I tend to forget all of the work I have already put in, and all the rewarding success I’ve had already. I expect myself to be able to make these huge changes basically from one day to the next instead of honoring the fact that it really is a process and it’s going to take some time to get where I’m heading.

Who do you turn to when you’re struggling?
I’m so thankful to have my mom as well as other great friends and a support system to help me get through even the roughest of days.

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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Self-love

Good morning!

I’m blogging early today because I just finished my first run of marathon training at the gym! I woke up this morning and just felt like this was the day to get back to the gym and do the damn thing. And boy was it hard. I remember 2 years ago when I was running 6 miles easily about five times a week, and I had to keep reminding myself to push through for another few minutes, just for another quarter of a mile, but I am really proud of myself for doing it!

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy because it’s been quite a while since I’ve seriously committed to running, and weight lifting makes me strong but doesn’t condition me cardio-wise the same way running does. So I focused on my breathing, and kept promising myself the next mile would be easier. And it got through 4 miles with a little cool-down afterwards! My goal was to get at least 3 miles in, and I hoped for 5 but today I am extremely grateful for my 4 miles. I kept a pretty good pace for myself as well and although now I’m suffering from SEVERE red face (how could I have forgotten that existed??) I am also excited about having set a goal for myself that will help keep me accountable for training.

As if I needed any other reasons to feel awesome this morning, one of my lovely friends who I saw the regional auditions with, started asking me about running and we’ve decided to sign up for a 10k in April together! Although I’ve always been a solitary runner, since I really enjoy the time to think and sweat and jive to really good music, I’m looking forward to having a partner in crime to for this race! It’ll be great timing since I’ll be whole-hog into my marathon training and the 10k will remind me what it feels like to be in a race situation.

I also wanted to touch on another thing that came up for me, being at the gym for the first time in a while. I notice myself doing this and it totally bugs me!! I see other girls at the gym and start to compare myself to them- what they look like, what they’re doing at the gym, and it totally leads me to feel negative about my own accomplishments. I know as women we’re constantly bombarded by what “beauty” is in the media, and now how we should be “fit” not “skinny” thanks to the elite athletes who have 5% body fat, and although I applaud those women who compete at such incredible levels of fitness, that is simply not realistic for the rest of us. Not should it define whether we are strong or beautiful or accomplished.

I feel pushed to compare myself to others because for some reason, that’s the way I’m supposed to know how to feel about myself. How stupid is that?! I want to feel proud of my body and all that it can do, WITHOUT these qualifiers, like; I’m strong but I don’t have a six-pack, I’m beautiful but my thighs do touch, I’m smart but I’m not getting special awards for it. Why can’t we just accept our flaws and decide that we are not beautiful and incredible despite them, but BECAUSE of them?

I know that I feel my best when I don’t allow that external negativity get to me, and instead try to think of all the ways I’m grateful to have a healthy body that CAN run 4 miles! That CAN get through a super tough power yoga class! That CAN sing really beautiful and legato phrases! That CAN finish reading a 500-page book in a matter of days! That CAN express my love for my friends and family on a daily basis! These may sound silly, but those are the important things, that we need to remember to hold onto when the negativity can seem overwhelming.

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So today, I am proud of my awesomely sweaty and tough 4-miler and I know that in a couple weeks I’ll look back and WISH that was the longest run I had planned for the week! I choose to focus on the positives and I know that is what continues to make me a happy and healthy gal. 🙂

Spread the love, what are you proud of yourself for doing today or recently??

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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Checking in

Happy Tuesday friends!

I started off my day with another fabulous yoga podcast from Dave Farmar, sheesh that man makes you sweat! I think the sickness is slowly leaving my body even though I had a pretty rough night of sleep.

Regardless, I had a great appointment with my therapist this afternoon that really made me think about how far I’ve come in the past 4 months. I feel lighter and freer and most importantly, happier. I am much more zen and in touch with my whole self. I’d say that’s a pretty great thing to be thankful for, right?

On another note, the weather advisory is saying we’re in for a blizzard tonight into tomorrow, so could that mean a snow day without school? I’d never even considered that possibility during my time in California, but I guess anything’s possible on the scary east coast. 😉

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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As 2013 comes to a close…

Today I’m happy about: saying goodbye to an incredible 2013 and hello to what I know will be a wonderful 2014!

This year was filled with a lot of change for me… I graduated from college (UCLA Bruin forever!), turned 22, and worked several summer jobs.

I decided to move across the country to Boston to get my Master’s Degree in Music, and followed my passion for performing rather than staying home and taking the easy way out.

I let a sub-par relationship fade out of my life and fell in love with someone new but decided to end that relationship because I wanted to do some growing of my own.

One of the things I’m most proud of myself for facing this year was my disordered eating and exercise, and my dwindling self-confidence because of depression and anxiety. In September I decided to face those things head-on, by seeing a psychiatrist as well as a therapist, who I have continued to see weekly. But the most important part of this decision was that I decided I WANTED to leave all those things behind. My issues with good had consumed me for so many years and had ruined many experiences, relationships and opportunities for me, and I was tired of being a backseat driver in my own life.

I can confidently say I haven’t felt this good and truly myself in at least 4 years and I am so thankful for the support I’ve had to get me to where I am today. I know it was far from being easy, and there is still a long way to go, but after seeing how much I really feel I have flourished and been reborn over the past few months, I know that 2014 will be a year of continued growth and journey towards self-love.

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I hope you all have a beautiful and safe New Year’s Eve celebration, regardless of what you’ll be doing! We’re having friends over for cocktails, then heading to a fancy 5-course dinner at a French restaurant- and I am going to thoroughly enjoy the moments I can share with my favorite people, savor every single morsel of delicious food- and wine!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND SEE YOU IN 2014!!!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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All in a Semester

Today I’m happy about: being nearly done with finals! I am finishing up a music theory assignment and then just have to turn in a paper I already wrote and take my sit-down final on Monday morning. I can hardly believe how quickly the days have flown by since Thanksgiving!
I am so grateful for such a wonderful first semester of grad school and I am a little amazed at everything I accomplished in the last 3 months. I feel like an entirely different person than I did back in August and looking back on the growth and changes I have experienced, I am really excited about my future. As recently as this summer, I don’t think I could have imagined being in the mental space I am and feeling so confident about my life. Don’t get me wrong- my life is far from perfect!- but I am thankful for every day I am able to do the things I love, like singing and practicing yoga and seeing my friends, and that I have a healthy body and mind to be able to enjoy it all.

Happy Friday the 13th!

I hope you have a marvelous evening!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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