Tag Archives: be true to you

When you just need some writing therapy

I kind of can’t believe I wrote the previous post back in January, I feel like I had jumped ship a while ago and I’m just happily surprised this little space still exists.

I hate to be redundant, but again a lot of things have changed since I last posted. I’m still at the same job with the same hours, and I am still a humble student of yoga, trying to stay sane through lifestyle shifts. Some things feel really good right now- I just snagged a church job that I’ll be starting in the fall with a wonderfully sweet community, and I have finally nailed down my living situation for the next year as well.

Singing has definitely been on the back burner, but continues to simmer away with thought of returning to school for a performance diploma prominent in my mind. That and auditions for Young Artist Programs, as well as taking a couple weeks at the end of the year for an artistic retreat-style program. There are so many possibilities ahead of me that I’m almost paralyzed by the thought of all of them…

I landed at a pretty significant realization this morning, that was centered around my current relationship, but really applies in all aspects of my life.

Nothing is certain and anything could change at any time. But instead of seeing this as a limiting belief that could really paralyze me, it’s like a glorious awakening to possibility. Nothing is guaranteed and therefore everything is sacred and should be enjoyed and experienced in the moment. Energy shouldn’t be wasted on the what-if’s or shouldn’ts or couldn’ts, and that is a beautiful realization. This is not new information, but the way I am processing it is akin to flipping a 180 on the road. It’s always been there, I just wasn’t looking in the right direction. I’m not trying to get crazy existentialist over here, but this newfound understanding is helping me release some of the doubts that have crept into my head.

Of course I could spend hours worrying about what will happen tomorrow or 3 weeks or 10 years from now, but that doesn’t actually do anything. It doesn’t prepare me for the way I’ll react if I have a wonderful pregnancy one day, or on the flipside if I have a miscarriage (Only examples, of course). But what is DOES do is rob today of the wonderful experience that is RIGHT NOW. And the excitement that could come from a phone call with a friend, or a surprise visit from a loved one. Or even something as simple as getting on my yoga mat and leading myself through a personal practice because I know that is what my body is craving.

 

I want to live unabashedly here and now, even though my anxieties try to wrench me into the future or drag me back into the past. But it’s ultimately MY decision. And I choose to be here.

 

I’m not sure when I’ll be back on this site, but I hope I won’t neglect it for quite so long again.

Thanks for reading and I’d love to hear from you.

Love,

Happiness Starts Here

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , ,

It’s been a while…

And a while, it certainly has.

My last entry here was almost 2 years ago, and my what a lot has changed. I kind of stumbled back onto this blog by chance as I was scrolling through my feed on BlogLovin and was happily surprised that I had not deleted it.

Some things are still the same, like my love for singing and performing, my devotion to working out, my struggle to be myself and own my journey, but I’m done with school and now working full time. That has proved to be a struggle in and of itself- I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that transitioning from being a student for over 16 years, to joining the workplace and becoming entirely financially independent, is no small feat! Now rather than forcing myself to workout in ways that make me unhappy, I’ve maintained a regular yoga practice for the past 8 months. It helps keep me centered and has really allowed me to embrace mindfulness and (try to!) come from a place of kindness when I am being hard on myself.

I’m still in Boston, and fortunate to be living with my best friend, but I’m beginning to wonder if this is the city I want to stay in. Yes, I have a stable job and living situation, but based on my less-than-stellar past audition season, am I really in the best location to maximize my opportunities to “make it”? And what even is “making it” to me anymore? I feel like there are so many questions rolling around in my head about whether I should stay or go or abandon this particular dream altogether! I love to perform, but do I love it enough to spend years on end occupying foreign hotel rooms by myself, flying to a new city every 6 weeks to perform a show and forge relationships with people I may never see again, over and over and over again? How important is my desire for a family? Do I want or expect a husband or children to follow me where I go?

 

These are just a few of the ramblings that have come loose from my brain in the past few months, and that I felt I needed to release ‘on paper’ so to speak. I think I’ll be frequenting this space a lot more, now that I’ve rediscovered it.

 

And as always, I’d love to hear your thoughts- be they on changing careers, making difficult decisions, or how to start your 401K. Yes, #adulting is now happening BIG TIME.

 

Love,

Happiness Starts Here

Tagged , , , , ,

All the questions and not a lot of answers

This week, I’ve been reading a book that’s definitely made its rounds in the world of disordered eating, and it’s not much of a surprise why. I’m talking about, “Living Without Ed” by Jenni Schaefer and Thom Rutledge. Ed is a way Jenni and her therapist devised to separate herself from her eating disorder. She began to treat her E.D. as the person, Ed, and shares her stories of recovery and her breakthroughs. Reading this has come at a really good time for me, since I’ve been needing a little extra support.

This week was a difficult one because I was more stressed than usual, and with all the uncertainty I’ve been facing regarding my life after graduation, I just could not for the life of me figure out how to calm down. So, I started looking at what I was eating, over-thinking the exercise I was doing, trying to control the things that in the past would have made me feel better. But in the midst of feeling a tiny bit of relief at being in control, I was also terrified that the issues I’ve tried so hard to get rid of, are coming back and are going to get the better of me.

I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about this and luckily she was able to help me see what was actually going on. It didn’t have to do so much with me hating the way I look and the fact that I don’t wear the same sized pants that I used to, but that I wasn’t in control of what my schedule was going to look like for the next few weeks, and that I am still not sure what to do after I graduate. I’ve been grasping at several different straws and each one seems like exactly the right one for a few days, and then I start to doubt whether it’s right or not. Then another idea comes along and that one now seems SO much better than anything else, so I feel like I finally know what I’m doing- but then my insecurity creeps right back in and says I’m probably wrong. Or that I’m taking the easy way out. Or that I’m unmotivated. Or that I need to try harder and be better. Or that I should just suck it up and keep doing what I’ve always done and stop questioning my future.

The thing is, as my therapist helped me see, it’s actually a good thing that I’m keeping such an open mind. It means I’m open to changes and to figuring out what is going to make me happy in the long run and I’m thinking about my real life priorities. Like having a family one day, and living in the same place for most of the year, and having a semi-regular day-to-day job where I can help people in some way. Music is what I’ve been doing FOR-EV-ER and I do love it, but will it be enough for me at the end of the day when I’m 35, still single, and still totally in debt? Maybe I’m being too pessimistic and should look on the bright side more, but I just think I’m being realistic. How can I really know what the rest of my life will look like when I’m only 22? And how can I really know what I’ll want when I’m 35?

All I feel like I have right now is questions, and so few answers. I’m trying to remember that it’s ok not to have them though, and to just focus on what’s happening right now and giving myself completely to the present. As a semi control freak I guess that’s easier said than done! 🙂

I hope you’re having a marvelous long weekend with Monday off tomorrow! I’m starting work early in the morning so unfortunately it’s only a 2-day weekend for me, but I’m going to enjoy my last couple hours before it ends anyways.

Love,

Happiness Starts Here

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Chocolate Covered Strawberries

Hey there!

Today I’m just popping in to say I’m enjoying my day off from rehearsal and spending it with my room mates, enjoying chocolate covered strawberries and some white wine sangria- our belated V-Day celebration on this snowy day.

I hope you’re having a great weekend!

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

Tagged , , ,

Is it really work if you’re having fun?

Hello from an icy, snow-covered Boston!

It’s been storming outside all day and unfortunately classes were not cancelled. However, my first training for work happened via Skype, allowing me to stay comfortably at home instead of trekking back out in the snow tonight. I am equal parts excited and nervous about this new position since we’re definitely diving right into teaching on Monday, which is so new to me! I keep having to remind myself that I have been working with people and acting as a leader in many circumstances for a lot of my school years and throughout my previous jobs, so I can and will rock this position! They can’t have picked me for nothing! 🙂

I am also bringing back one of my loves today- avocado. We were in a very serious relationship a year ago but we just enjoyed each other too much and I needed to take a break. Luckily, a chipotle burrito topped with guacamole 2 weeks ago reignited my love for the green stuff. Mmm, it’s just the best when it’s ripe and topped with a little salt, pepper and lemon juice! Along the same kitchen lines, my afternoon at home enticed me to bake up some berry chocolate chip banana bread with some blackening bananas sitting in my pantry. Holy yum. I adapted my recipe from Hummusapien’s Dark Chocolate Chunk Strawberry Bread and it was awesome! I ditched the stevia, and subbed the strawberries for Trader Joe’s frozen berry medley- because how else can I get my cherry fix in February?- and with the oats, almond meal and flax seed meal, it’s a rocking dessert or snack.

I’m totally going to curl up with a slice slathered in almond butter, and an episode (or three) of True Blood. Alcide, I’m coming for you.

20140213-202554.jpg

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

My personal therapy

Today I am so thankful for my therapist. And running and sweating. And talking with one of my girlfriends at school and bonding over our mutual desire for a “person”.

Neither of us is needy, but we both have been feeling like we don’t have that one person in Boston who we tell everything too and who we can vent to and count on unconditionally and so we mutually yelled “yes!!” to being that for each other. Living in a brand new city without family nearby and feeling uncertain about our careers in scary but knowing that someone else understands what you are going through because they’re dealing with the same thing is awesome.

In the midst of my recent freak out about my future, I’ve felt like I’m struggling with some issues I thought I had left behind. Understandably, stress brings out some of the worst feelings, and I have to be okay with that. That is the only way I can learn to deal with them in a healthy way. Overall today I felt better than I have the previous days, and I know talking about what I’m dealing with always helps me cope more effectively.

Who do you turn to when you need your support system?

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

Tagged , , , ,

Owning it

Happy Monday!

I feel like this month is already flying by, and I can’t believe in heading back home for spring break in just 3.5 short weeks!

I just left a voice lesson that was everything I needed it to be. I sang better and more strongly than I have this entire year, even though it has been an ongoing progression. I am really excited about about the opportunities my teacher sees in my future, as well as his commitment to trying to make me the best I can be.

This morning, despite having a really lovely yoga practice that relaxed and challenged me, as I was leaving my house I got caught up in the fact I was running late for my bus and actually ended up literally running to catch it before it drove off without me. I was caught up in a stream of consciousness that was fueled by anger and anxiety and it was kind of overpowering. I tried to recall some of the words my yoga instructor had been saying just an hour earlier about letting go what you don’t need, but I was just getting more and more worked up. I managed to get to class with plenty of time and the world certainly didn’t end.

I think there’s something to be said for honoring your feelings, whether they are elated, depressed, furious, they are all there to teach us something. When I’m uncomfortable or unhappy I try to use the feelings to find our what’s causing them but sometimes you just have to let yourself experience them before you can make sense of them.

While I had a few minutes to wait before my class started, I read this, and it really helped me cut myself a little slack for not feeling 100% awesome earlier.

What’s your go-to thing to do when you’re feeling upset?

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

Tagged , , , , , ,

Introspective

This morning I wrote in my journal for about 20 minutes. I had been feeling so much negative energy inside all of Saturday and when I woke up today feeling the same way, I knew I needed to find a way to deal with it. It’s incredible how helpful it can be to just write down some of the things that are weighing me down.

Things become clearer when I manifest them in real life, on paper. I encourage myself to choose exactly the words that pinpoint the way I’m feeling, or sometimes I just free-write and let all my thoughts come tumbling out, unorganized. Today was a mix of both, I wasn’t sure where my writing was heading when I first started, but somehow I managed to touch on every feeling I had been having, all within about 3 pages of scribbling.

I know writing and yoga are my strongest therapeutic tools, and I’m proud to say today I used both. Some days I feel like I’m not getting anything right, but it usually just takes a few minutes to look inward and breathe deeply to relax my overactive ego.

I’ll leave you with one of the most calming phrases that helps me remember what is really important.

Namaste.
The divine in me honors the divine in you.
(No matter who the you is)

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Girls. Girls. GIRLS.

 

Today I am totally embracing the art of a lazy Saturday and it actually feels really good. I didn’t go to the gym this morning to run, and I’m not planning on doing any power yoga, and I’m okay with that. Yesterday morning my body felt tired even doing yoga so I’m taking it as a sign to take a break. That way tomorrow I’ll be ready to dive back in, feeling rested and happy. That being said, I feel like my appetite is on fire today, so I’m just going with it and eating possibly every hour. If I want to run a marathon I’m going to have to fuel for it too!!

Image

 

from here

Also, I know I am unbelievably late in recognizing how amazing this TV show is, but can I just say, IT’S AMAZING. Lena Dunham’s creation is so unlike anything I’ve seen on TV (maybe ever?) and the awkwardness just kills me. Jessa’s fashion makes me want to throw away all the clothes I have and shop in her wardrobe. The flowy dresses and pants and skirts, I love it all. Shoshanna’s random comments and questions = where the heck do they come from? But YES. Marnie is kind of like the me I secretly hope I’m not. And Hannah. She is SO SO SO awkward and everything I hope she doesn’t say obviously comes right out of her mouth. Every. Single. Time. But I still love her because she’s really trying to just live her life and follow her dream of being a writer. I am currently making my way through the first season, and you could say it hasn’t been difficult.

 

What are you doing this weekend?

I’m seeing one of my favorite operas tonight, L’Incoronazione di Poppea 🙂

 

Love, 

Happiness Starts Here

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Thursday Thoughts

Hi there!

Today I’m taking a cue from one of the hilarious and fabulous bloggers I follow, Snack Therapy, with Thursday Thoughts.

I like the idea of just sharing a bunch of random thoughts and ideas that are bouncing around in my brain and possibly a couple links that caught my eye recently. So, here goes!

20140206-151657.jpg

1. Snow. It’s like walking home through sand. Kind of charming and fun when you think about it from the warmth of your bed, snuggled under the covers, and then you take your first step into a full foot of snow and your pants leg is all of a sudden freezing and wet. Yeah, super fun.

2. Speaking of pants leg, pants are so over-rated, amiright? It’s all about the leggings these days. They keep you warm, and they go with everything. Right? Right.

3. Found this online the other day and just…Yes. I mean, who really wants to beat themselves up for NOT performing a 3 hour workout, that might result in injury. Yes to pushing out of my own comfort zone but no to letting working out become my life. Fitspiration gets a makeover

4. The Vampire Diaries. So guilty of watching this one, and yet it is so fun to watch the drama unfold. The most recent plot-twist with Katherine NOT actually dying, what?! I knew she wasn’t going down without a fight.

5. I am totally digging spaghetti squash recently. I kind of avoided it for a while because it seemed kind of bland and not worth the effort, but now having roasted it and eaten half of one with a fork straight from the oven…. Definitely adding that to my shopping cart on the regular.

6. Another blogger moment, but I so NEED to make this, these, and THESE. YUM.

7. This amazing link my mom shared with me, that I literally could not stop laughing at. Bunny Manifesto

8. I was going to have an interview at 8am tomorrow morning but it got rescheduled for Monday afternoon. Mission sleep-in Friday is fully underway.

9. I totally fell on my a$$ in yoga yesterday, trying a new transition between poses when my hand slipped, and now I have the most glorious bruise on my outer thigh that is about the size of a baseball. That’s what I get for trying to get out of Full Wheel too quickly! But the important thing is I kept right on going, and didn’t let falling take me out of my zen yoga me-time.

10. You might recall I watched Vegucated earlier this week. It’s a documentary about 3 people who decide to go vegan for 6 weeks and learn about the food, culture, environmental and health reasons behind why going vegetarian or vegan can do so many wonderful things for the the environment and our bodies. As someone who’s experimented with being vegetarian, pescatarian, carnivore, omnivore and the great oatmeal diet, I’ve found that eating a mostly plant-based diet agrees with me most and it’s the most affordable and easiest when I’m in school. I will definitely not turn up my nose at a beautiful piece of grilled salmon or a sizzling steak, but I don’t feel like I need to eat those things regularly to feel happy. I avoid dairy because I’m lactose-intolerant, but I find tons of tasty ways to make up for it by eating other things I love. Like bread, and cereal, and pizza (with vegan cheese!) and obviously soy ice cream. A girls gotta have her ice cream every once in a while. This is one of my FAVORITES.

What are you thinking about this Thursday?

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,