So I have clearly been absent recently on the blog but I’ve been doing this amazing thing called living. Just enjoying the moments as they are happening and not trying to think so much about the future.
Today however, I find myself getting way to much into my own head. I am over-analyzing my newly budding relationship and thinking about the past relationships I’ve been in. I am comparing and zeroing in on what I seem to consider flaws and trying to understand which relationship is the “right” one. I know this is completely silly because I can’t know how things will work out in the end, but I keep trying to categorize this relationship so I can put it into its own tidy, little box.
I guess the not-knowing aspect is what is really scaring me, but I sense myself pushing the limits to see what I can get away with, in a way.
After getting some really good insight from my therapist, I think the biggest issue I’m having is that I don’t want anyone to have to take care of me. I am incredibly independent and pretty driven, and I feel like doing anything less than everything makes me weak. But, one of the most fundamental parts of being in a relationship is being able to let someone else take care of you, and them allowing you to reciprocate. I’m afraid of being vulnerable and letting anyone else in because I’m scared they might not like everything they end up finding out. I don’t want to take the easy way out and sabotage myself before I even have a chance to experience what a really good relationship could be. I want to really take a leap of faith and risk a negative outcome because otherwise I won’t ever know how amazing the positive outcome could be.
Happiness Starts Here