Change is uncomfortable

Continuing on with my sporadic posts since I’m home… šŸ™‚

Today I’m off to the coast towards Carmel and Monterey to get in some time by the ocean, but yesterday I had a wonderful day trip into the city with Mom. We hit up Source for lunch and I was so happy we managed to get out there! My mom ordered the vegetable curry dish which looked great, and I had the Vegan Moussaka with cashew cream sauce and it blew me away! Cashew cream is definitely on my must-make list now. I have no idea how they made it but it was like vegan bechamel!

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We hung out around the city for a few more hours and returned home to meet up with Dad for dinner at Scratch. Although I have to admit they weren’t the most vegan friendly, my hard cider more than made up for it, as did the company. šŸ™‚

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Although I’ve really been enjoying my time home, it’s also brought up a lot of old memories for me. Memories of the summer when I was going through depression, panic attacks, and horrible anxiety, and when I felt so insecure in my body I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. Now looking back, I can see all those things so much more clearly, but with my past 6 or so months of healthy weight gain, I also can’t help but feel a bit nostalgic for the way I looked then.

It’s difficult to try on clothes that used to fit, only to not even be able to pull them over your butt… But I am fighting to remind myself that no matter what I looked like on the outside, I was broken on the inside. And that is what I’m trying to heal right now. I’m focusing on all the things I can do and all that I’m grateful for now, but I am still struggling. I know this is going to be an ongoing battle for me, and this is just one of the bumps (or mountains) I’m going to encounter along the road, but my desire to keep moving forward and not go back to that empty person I used to be, is going to keep pushing me along on the right path.

Love,
Happiness Starts Here

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