All the questions and not a lot of answers

This week, I’ve been reading a book that’s definitely made its rounds in the world of disordered eating, and it’s not much of a surprise why. I’m talking about, “Living Without Ed” by Jenni Schaefer and Thom Rutledge. Ed is a way Jenni and her therapist devised to separate herself from her eating disorder. She began to treat her E.D. as the person, Ed, and shares her stories of recovery and her breakthroughs. Reading this has come at a really good time for me, since I’ve been needing a little extra support.

This week was a difficult one because I was more stressed than usual, and with all the uncertainty I’ve been facing regarding my life after graduation, I just could not for the life of me figure out how to calm down. So, I started looking at what I was eating, over-thinking the exercise I was doing, trying to control the things that in the past would have made me feel better. But in the midst of feeling a tiny bit of relief at being in control, I was also terrified that the issues I’ve tried so hard to get rid of, are coming back and are going to get the better of me.

I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about this and luckily she was able to help me see what was actually going on. It didn’t have to do so much with me hating the way I look and the fact that I don’t wear the same sized pants that I used to, but that I wasn’t in control of what my schedule was going to look like for the next few weeks, and that I am still not sure what to do after I graduate. I’ve been grasping at several different straws and each one seems like exactly the right one for a few days, and then I start to doubt whether it’s right or not. Then another idea comes along and that one now seems SO much better than anything else, so I feel like I finally know what I’m doing- but then my insecurity creeps right back in and says I’m probably wrong. Or that I’m taking the easy way out. Or that I’m unmotivated. Or that I need to try harder and be better. Or that I should just suck it up and keep doing what I’ve always done and stop questioning my future.

The thing is, as my therapist helped me see, it’s actually a good thing that I’m keeping such an open mind. It means I’m open to changes and to figuring out what is going to make me happy in the long run and I’m thinking about my real life priorities. Like having a family one day, and living in the same place for most of the year, and having a semi-regular day-to-day job where I can help people in some way. Music is what I’ve been doing FOR-EV-ER and I do love it, but will it be enough for me at the end of the day when I’m 35, still single, and still totally in debt? Maybe I’m being too pessimistic and should look on the bright side more, but I just think I’m being realistic. How can I really know what the rest of my life will look like when I’m only 22? And how can I really know what I’ll want when I’m 35?

All I feel like I have right now is questions, and so few answers. I’m trying to remember that it’s ok not to have them though, and to just focus on what’s happening right now and giving myself completely to the present. As a semi control freak I guess that’s easier said than done! 🙂

I hope you’re having a marvelous long weekend with Monday off tomorrow! I’m starting work early in the morning so unfortunately it’s only a 2-day weekend for me, but I’m going to enjoy my last couple hours before it ends anyways.


Happiness Starts Here

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